I believe in Christianity as I believe in the rising sun; not because I see it, but by it I can see all else. — C.S. Lewis
I was very convicted today by a sermon about focus, connection, sacrifice, grace, bitterness, thankfulness, and forgiveness. It rocked me, hard. Instead of going to my usually small group fellowship, I went straight home, thinking of what I had just heard. It felt like I was on fire in my heart. I had been blessed in a manner that I felt that I needed, no, had to tell others about my thoughts.
So, I ask you to please bear with me, as my words are not the best and cannot fully convey my conviction. I ask you to please take the time to read this in its entirety, as it is an apology. It applies to everyone that I know in ways innumerable. It may seem like babble to some of you or over the head of others, but again, please bear with me. It continues to build upon the solid foundation of the Lord’s words to an ending meant for all to read.
I didn’t want to go to church today. I actually started thinking about it yesterday. I started to think of what reason I would use to play hooky from trekking 45-minutes to attend service and practice with the choir. You see, instead of using a little bit of will power, I allowed myself to sin multiple times in the last week knowing full well what I was doing was sinful. I then found myself condemning myself and telling myself how horrible of a person I am. I kept saying that God can’t bless me.
I continually forget Romans 8:1-2, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.” If I repent, then the Lord will forgive me. There will be consequences for my sin, but Psalm 4 says “…when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent.” The Lord is my shelter and in Him, I will have no want. I should not wallow in my sin and write my future as if I am swimming in a sea of ink and painting a life of regret.
I must also not forget what true repentance means, either. I think too many Evangelical Christians, myself included, forget that Jesus is not some kind of fire insurance. A great “if/then” statement exists in 2 Chronicles 7:14. “If My people, which are called by My Name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from Heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” We must not only pray and ask for forgiveness, but turn to seek the face of the Lord.
The writing of Apostle Paul, which is often brought up in services, but seems not to be taken seriously by many comes to mind. Romans 6:1-4 states: “1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” I don’t act like I am dead to my sins too often. I have been made alive in Christ, born again, but continue to act like I am dead. I am like Lot’s wife, who isn’t even named in the Bible, who looks back to my sin and become frozen in it like a pillar of salt. Oh, to have the faith of Abraham as he listens so intently upon the Lord, he would sacrifice Isaac, his own son.
It is important to look at the stress that Paul adds to “By no means” and respect his words, led by the Holy Spirit. I must not continue to act like I can live in sin no longer.
The truth is, God can use evil for good but he shouldn’t have to do so. A huge example is WWII in which millions died, but even more were born and families began during the baby boom. But, on a much smaller scale, I have concluded that too often in my life, church service tends to be a time of conviction because of my sins rather than praise. I can only blame myself for this occurrence.
I have come to realize that no real, lasting connection can be made through anything may it be blood (family), social lives, and mutual interests like sports. The only way that true connection can be made is by two people stoked with a spiritual fire burning in their hearts.
I heard today preached of the term “soul kinship”. Imagine a triangle, with God at the top point, and two people on either side points of the bottom of the triangle. Naturally, people would think that to come together, they would have to draw the points of the bottom of the triangle together (which is not possible), but if they both draw closer to God at the top point then they will come together in a manner that works.
If my focus is on God then there is a never-ending capacity to love. In 1 Samuel 18:1 it says, “As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” David has just defeated Goliath and Jonathan loves David not because of he is some kind of powerful warrior, but because of his faith in God as he challenged Goliath saying, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.” (1 Samuel 17:45-47)
You see, Jonathan understood that David was a man after God’s own heart. David was the only man who had faith enough in God to face Goliath, which had the men of Israel trembling in fear. Jonathan sacrifices his chance to be king as he “stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.” (1 Samuel 18:4) What am I willing to sacrifice for God? What am I willing to give back to God, as it is His anyways? Jonathan gave everything he could. He gave up being king. I barely give up a little time during the week, mostly just before I fall asleep (sometimes even falling asleep) to pray.
My pride stands in the way. I find myself thinking that I am better off than most people. When I go to church, I find myself thinking that I know more about the Bible than most people there. The thing is: who cares how much I know about the Bible if I don’t apply to my life?
God is the source of all blessings. A heart not focused on God will begin to focus on other people and compare itself to other people. The best way to break someone, including yourself, is to compare them (yourself) to other people. Asking yourself or others questions like, “Why aren’t you as good as that person?” or “Why can’t your life be more like that person’s life?” is the best way to start making idols out of things and becoming a bitter person. So, in 1 Samuel 18:7 when the women of Israel forget about God and start comparing David and Saul, it makes Saul a bitter person and causes a giant rift between him and David. When you forget about God, everything goes to hell.
Saul then forgets to delight in the Lord and be thankful. His focus was not on God’s plan. Therefore the Lord was not with him. The Lord was with David because David was a man after God’s own heart.
Jealousy seeps into our hearts and plants itself like a tree. The roots get ever deeper until jealousy overtakes us and we lose ourselves to anger. 1 Samuel 18:9 states, “Saul kept a jealous eye on David.”
I, too, in the past let bitterness and jealousy rule over my life. Here lies my apology to all of those who I have acted out towards in anger, jealousy, or bitterness. I now understand that life is only what I make it. If I act out of my own will, then I will not live a worthy life. If I live a life for God and let Him live through me, then and only then, am I worthy.
Jealousy and bitterness led me to try to find the faults in other people’s lives. It made me feel better about myself when I could pick apart other people’s lives and make their lives seem worse than mine. This not only was divisive and destructive, but it backfired on me. I said and did things to people, family and close friends, that I can never take back.
I forgot God’s vision and was only wrapped up in my own vision of what I wanted my life to be. I forgot the words of Psalm 139:13-16:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
God crafted me beautifully, not to compare myself to others. He did not craft me to compare others to myself either and to tear them down. I must let God tell me how to view myself instead of by comparison to the world around me.
I blamed everyone for my problems. I never asked God where he wanted me to go. Instead, I put Him in a little box, asking him to follow me wherever I wanted to go instead of having Him be the lamp upon my feet in the darkness that is this imperfect world. It’s easy to hold our problems inside and to be self-destructive in some way or to be lazy spiritually or even physically simply because we don’t want to use our will to serve the Lord in the fullest capacity possible.
Too often, I think that it happens that people think they are doing “enough”. Yet, I find myself discovering that if satan can’t make people fall, he makes them busy. Busy with what, though? In full realization of this, I am praying that the Lord uses me to the fullest possible extent. We can all go to church on Sundays, even join a Bible group and tithe. What are we doing for the communities we live in? Are we praying for our leaders? Do we even realize things like 8 million people being starved to death in North Korea or the downfall of western culture into an amoral society? We can always say we are busy, so why not busy ourselves in the Lord?
Anyways, I let my anger and jealousy turn me into something like Saul, who had it out for David. I don’t try to murder people, but I do kill their spirits by telling them everything that is wrong about them, being overly sarcastic, or being a know-it-all ass.
Therefore, I must show thankfulness. Gratitude heals jealousy. If I show gratitude towards God for how He has made me and for what He has given me, then my heart will be completely softened. I must celebrate Christ and focus on him at all times.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
— Psalm 37:3-6
I must “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33) Nothing is impossible in the Lord. Healing is only one thing that happens when I follow His will.
For anyone who reads this that I have wronged, I am sorry. I am sorry for acting like I didn’t appreciate things. I am sorry for being lazy. I am sorry for losing my temper. I am sorry to telling you all the things that I thought were wrong with you. I am sorry for acting like I had it all together and was never at fault. The truth is, I do appreciate the things people helped me with and I love many of you. So, thank you for everything and for being friends and caring family members. I love you. God bless you.
I pray and yearn for our care and love for each other to grow more only because my love for God and your love for God grows (or, in some cases, is discovered). Not because of what has happened in the past, blood relation, or memories, but for the sole purpose of running towards the gates of Heaven, growing together through accountability, and drawing others near to Him by planting seeds.
I also thank those who have stayed strong and taught me so much about what faith is and have taught me through wisdom I can only describe as God-given. Your teachings do not go ignored, even if I try to ignore them. They are seeds that have continued to grow in my soul. I am forever indebted and grateful.
I am sorry for my bitterness, selfishness, and pride.
1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
All the glory be to God and definitely not to me. Amen.
